apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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