I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
