guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
