I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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