i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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