Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
