My girlfriend figured out who you are.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
