listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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