Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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