you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
