My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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