i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
