So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
