There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
