i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
