You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
