Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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