My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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