People in love make me want to vomit
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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