so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
