My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I AM VODKA MAN
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
