I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
