totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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