Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
