He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
