I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to calm my uterus...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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