I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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