the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
