Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I could make wine with my vomit
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
