You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
