Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
