I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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