I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
