You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
