My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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