Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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