We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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