Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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