Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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