But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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