I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
