I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
