we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You were trust falling into bushes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
