My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
