i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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