Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
