I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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