Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
