i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
