I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
