I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We are all done wearing pants today
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
